Harry Potter and the Very Informative Lesson
by nerdyninjaEnchiladas
Summary: In a few days Harry and Ginny are to be wed, but a problem has arisen. Harry has never had "The Talk". Who would have told him? The Dursley's? Molly? Sirius? With the help of Luna, Ron, Hermione, and some puppet pals, Harry will learn the ins and outs of sexual intercourse. Crackfic, one-shot.


**Disclaimer: We do not own Harry Potter, Keeping Up With the Kardashians, Hello Dolly!, the Phantom of the Opera, or anything else we may have mentioned. We do, however, own the OCs mentioned in this fic. Namely, two sock puppets.**

* * *

Two weeks before the wedding of Ginny and Harry, the mood was sublime. The weather was heating up, and so were they. George was constantly "drinking coffee", Molly was always barging in "to collect laundry", you could often hear the shouts of Ron that sounded something like, "COME ON MATE, THAT'S MY SISTER," and Hermione was frequently catching the two lovebirds "sucking face". The lectures that would ensue almost always included the word, "ABSTINENCE." At this phrase, Harry would look confused.

Ginny wouldn't have gone as far as to say that she was concerned...after all, six years at Hogwarts, and he surely had heard about...that sort of thing. He'd been friends with her horndog of a brother for years, so he'd certainly know. Still, she figured it couldn't hurt to ask her fiancé.

"So, Harry," Ginny said casually as she and Harry took a romantic stroll in the garden one night, "how do you feel about our wedding night?"

"It'll be great," he responded enthusiastically whilst smelling a lily.

"What do you have planned for our first evening as a married couple?" Ginny asked him suggestively.

Harry pondered this thought for a moment before saying, "Well, we'll order some expensive wine..."

"And...?"

"Go to bed."

"And do what?"

"...Sleep? What else would you do in a bed?"

Ginny laughed nervously, "You are joking, right?"

Harry arched an eyebrow, "About what?"

"About what we'd do in a bed on our wedding night? I mean, it's really funny and all-"

"Why would it be funny?" Ginny had never seen Harry look more confused.

And then, it dawned on Ginny. She shook her head slowly, "Oh, honey."

* * *

The following Friday brought forth lunch with Luna and Hermione at Ron and Hermione's house. It had become a weekly ritual of sorts, and it was usually a time the women sat in the parlor and complained about issues in their daily lives (Hermione usually went on rants about Ron and his irritating habits), but Ginny felt the problem that faced Harry and her was more important than Ron's seeming inability to put his dirty clothes in the hamper.

"Ginny, really!" Hermione was scandalized when Ginny dropped the bomb. "I like to see our weekly lunches as a place of a class and modesty, not where such crude and crass subjects are discussed!"

Ginny decided to ignore the fact that Ron and Hermione were an unmarried couple living together and continued on. "I just don't know what to do! What sort of bride-to-be has to give The Talk to the man she is about to marry?"

"What?" Ron suddenly stepped into view from behind the adjacent wall. "He doesn't know?"

Ginny shook her head, dismayed.

"Wow. Blimey. I always figured Harry would know. Chosen One and all that." Ron said, scooting Hermione over on the couch and grabbing the last biscuit.

"First of all, you shouldn't take the last biscuit. You don't even go to these meetings. Secondly, that's rather flawed logic, Ronald," Hermione said annoyedly, but not unkindly. "Just because he's the Chosen One doesn't mean-"

"Well, after he defeated You-Know-Who-?" Ron interrupted, spraying bits of biscuit everywhere.

"Voldemort, dear-" Hermione inputted, wiping the bolus off her face.

"Voldemort, the papers went crazy after him. He became sort of sex symbol for a while until he and Ginny got engaged. I mean, nobody wants to be on the receiving end of one of her Bat Bogey Hexes."

Ginny nodded as Hermione said, "You do have a point."

"I could always talk to Harry," Luna added in her usual dreamy tone.

Hermione and Ron appeared to do a double take as Ginny's eyes widened. "Are you sure you want to, Luna?" She asked uneasily. Ginny wasn't sure if she should put the matter of her soon-to-be-husband's sexual knowledge in the hands of a girl who was currently searching the house for "Blizzbuds".

"Oh, yes, certainly," Luna's eye brightened and she paused her search. "There will be a day I will have to explain this to any children I may have. The practice will be good."

"Are you sure?" Ginny asked again.

"I'd be delighted to, Ginny."

"Then you're a braver person than I," Ron said bluntly, leaving the room.

* * *

"Huh. This is rather strange," Harry said, frowning as he went through his letters at the Head Auror's desk.

"Is it that thing about Lucius Malfoy and his peacocks? Believe me, mate, I've heard too much about that. Just try and forget everything you read about it-" Ron told Harry as he loitered in his friend's office, shuddering.

"No," Harry said, disturbed, "But I did hear about that. Who knew money was so tight with them? I kind of wish I could have seen the look on Draco's face when he realized what the Christmas turkey really was," he added with a chuckle. "I got a letter from Luna. She wants me to come over to her house. Wants to have a 'serious discussion' with me."

Ron resisted the urge to let out a loud snort as he was shoveling a handful of Harry's Bertie Bott's Every Flavored Beans into his mouth. He wasn't exactly looking forward to another episode of nasal regurgitation. Especially if he was unfortunate enough to have eaten a Poltergeist Pepper bean.

"I hope she doesn't want me to investigate her house for more "Warshbucklers". She didn't believe me when I told her I couldn't find any," Harry sighed.

"You shoul' jus' pre'are yourshelf fer da worst," Ron said though his mastication, trying not to give away any of his amusement, "just so you don't have any surprises."

"I guess I should. I don't think it'll be much use, though. Luna has a way with these things."

* * *

Harry was welcomed into the Lovegood household by none other than Xenophilius, who presented him with a strange, neon pink beverage as he walked through the door. "Luna is just in the library, so you should just head up her room. She'll be up in a minute. And Harry, do drink that before she comes upstairs. I'd hate to clean up that mess," Xenophilius said mysteriously, disappearing into the kitchen. Harry, already slightly disturbed, walked up the stairs to Luna's room. He felt like a gawkish teenage boy instead of a grown man who was to be married in a week.

"Ah, Harry! You're here!" Luna exclaimed from behind Harry, causing the bespectacled boy to jump in the air. The bright liquid spilled across the cream colored carpet.

"Damn!" He cursed. "Luna, I'm sorry, your father even told me to-"

"Oh, don't worry. It's no problem," she said dismissively. "What we have to talk about is much more important than spilled Pepto-Bismol."

Harry frowed. "Wait, what? But I don't...does your father know that is illegal?"

"Harry. It's time to talk about sex," Luna said seriously. She then proceeded to hum a song to herself before remembering Harry was there. "Harry, when a man and a woman love each other very much, as you and Ginny do, and the man has no idea what to do on his wedding night, the woman consults her dearest friends, and when a gracious friend offers to explain, she employs the help of...Sir Ferdinand!" She exclaimed, pulling a large worn sock from behind her back with googly eyes glued on.

"That's right, Harry!" Luna adopted a higher pitched voice. "Luna and I are going to help you through this!"

"Sex?" Harry went pale. "What...what is that? Why do we need to talk about it? Wait...is this what Ginny was talking about the other night?!"

"First of all, Harry, what do you know about sex?" Sir Ferdinand asked.

"Um...I heard Ron mention it a few times a guess...and Seamus was rather interested by it," Harry said uncomfortably.

"Someone has explained where babies come from, haven't they, Harry?" Luna asked solemnly.

"Of course. Aunt Petunia always told me they were left on doorsteps."

"Then how do you explain pregnancy?"

"Um, well see you get pregnant- the woman does, that is- and then the baby shows up on the doorstep and then she isn't pregnant anymore."

"That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard," Sir Ferdinand told him.

"I'm sorry, but it is quite silly," Luna said apologetically, "I haven't heard such nonsense since that time Hermione told me Nargles weren't real, just as they were infiltrating her mind!"

"Well, what are to trying to tell me? That this sex thing is what makes babies?" Harry said with a laugh.

"Yes."

"I don't believe you. What would the herons do with their lives?" Harry countered.

"Well hunt the ever-elusive Oxford comma of course. What else would they do?"

"Um, I don't know, maybe DELIVER BABIES TO LOVING COUPLE'S DOORSTEPS?!" Harry exclaimed.

"Calm yourself Harry!" Sir Ferdinand squeeked.

Luna looked at Harry scandalously as she covered the ears of the stuffed cat next to her. "Yes Harry, calm yourself! Whatever would Her Royal Highness Princess Fluffybottoms think? Now let's get down to business. Here, I shall bring out another friend to help with the learning process." Luna reached down under her couch.

Harry rested his head in his hands. "Luna, I appreciate what you are doing, but I don't see why this is all necessar-"

"Presenting... Lady Ferdinanda!"

A new, pink sock with googly eyes was placed on Luna's free hand.

"Oh good God..."

"Language young man! There are ladies in the room!" Sir Ferdinand scolded (with a significantly lower voice than before).

Lady Ferdinanda was swooning. Or whatever sock puppets do when they are shocked. "Oh thank you! Thank you kind sir! Whoever is the kind gentleman who saved me from such foul language?"

"Why my lady... Such a beautiful sight to my old eyes..." Sir Ferdinand cooed in the closest thing to a sultry voice he could get.

Lady Ferdinanda giggle nervously (it sounded like a group of insufferable mice from a certain Disney movie), "Well, what a kind, handsome, …... sexy puppet you are. Is there any way I can repay you for saving my ears from such vulgarity?"

Harry sat frozen in horror, and intrigue, "This is always where Ginny turns off the TV when we are flipping through channels..."

"Watch closely Harry." Luna instructed.

The puppets were circling one another closely. "Well... I can think of a few things you can do... to repay me..." Sir Ferdinand purred.

Lady Ferdinanda gasped. Luna ate her popcorn - wait, when did she get popcorn? - contentedly. Harry was becoming more and more horrified by the second.

The puppets passionately embraced whilst Xenophilius entered the room.

"Oh Sir Ferdinand!"

"Oh Lady Ferdinanda!"

"Oh Sir Ferdinand!"

"Oh Lady Ferdinanda!"

"Sir Ferdinand, I love you!"

"But Lady Ferdinanda, I love you!"

"No, Sir Ferdinand, I love you!"

"Mph."

"Merr."

"Meh."

"Ermengarde."

"Ambrose."

"Holy cabooses!"

"Og."

"Why so silent good monsieur?"

"OH FOR THE LOVE OF CRUMPLE-HORNED SNORKACKS, WHAT DID I TELL YOU HARRY?" Xenophilius shouted as he noticed the stain on the floor. Harry snapped his attention over to Luna's father while she continued the puppets'… whatever it was. "THIS IS A BRAND NEW RUG MADE FROM JORGENAS FUR. THIS WILL TAKE AGES TO GET OUT. Oh and Luna dear, don't you think this is a tad above PG? We don't want any lawsuits honey. Well if you need anything, let me know. Snacks, drinks, condoms, don't hesitate to ask."

Harry choked on his oxygen and Xenophilius left the room in a whirl (and a dramatic hair flip). Luna didn't seem to notice the intrusion, while her puppet pals did. Both shot disgruntled glares toward the door.

"Wait, what are condo-" Harry was cut off by two angry looking sock-puppets.

"Who would have the gall to interrupt us?" Sir Ferdinand demanded.

"Oh it was just my father. Don't worry you two, I'll give you some privacy. I need to cover some other topics with Harry anyways." Luna said with a dreamy tone as she pushed them into a broom closet. Either they were enchanted puppets, or Luna was practicing ventriloquism as their cries of pleasure were heard from behind closed doors.

"MphohSirFerdinandljdfljad"

"MasfoohLadyFerdinandadf"

"Now Harry, there are only few things my puppet pals can teach you." Luna proceeded to push an enormous chalkboard from behind her couch that he somehow did not notice before to the center of the room. She pulled on a pair of glasses and put on a lab jacket. With a wave of her wand, the chalkboard flipped over to reveal several detailed diagrams, only some of which Harry recognized. "Now this right here is a Pennsylvania," she said, jabbing at the familiar image. "And right here is a Virginia."

The monster inside Harry stirred at this new, foreign image. "A Virginia, you say?" His voice had taken a strange pitch.

"Yes, Harry, that is the scientific term. Now, as you've probably gathered, the difference between a man and a woman is whether they have a Pennsylvania or a Virginia. Now when a male sock puppet and a female sock puppet love each other _very_ much...we can't demonstrate it because they are lacking both a Pennsylvania or a Virginia."

Harry's mind was very scared, but the monster inside was growing restless. "Luna, how am I going to know all this if you don't tell me? I need to know how to sex, and I need to know how to sex properly, dammit! I am Harry Potter!"

"Well, we shall use Quidditch terminology, of course!" Luna said brightly. "Now, imagine that Ginny's Virginia is a Quidditch goal post, and you are trying your hardest to get the Quaffle in. No, instead of a Quaffle, it is your broom!" She exclaimed excitedly.

"But I thought I had to use my Pennsylvania in this endeavor...?" He said, confused.

"You do, Harry, you do!" She reprimanded him, smacking his arm with more force than what Harry thought was needed. "The broom is a METAPHOR for your Pennsylvania! Get with it!"

Xenophilius decided this was a good point to enter the room with various magical cleaning products, complaining about, "Damn children, making messes all over my floor."

There was a loud thump in the closet, followed by a groan. "There seems to be a puppet party going on in there. Maybe I could join in," Xenophilius said jokingly.

"Now, Harry," Luna said in a hushed voice, "this is an example of what can happen in an open relationship."

Much to Luna's dismay, her father did not actually follow through and left the room calmly. "Nargles!" She cursed, and then gasped. "I never said this," she said, quietly slipping something over to Harry. Instead of the money Harry had anticipated, it was instead what was advertised as Warlock's Trusted Condoms.

"What are these?"

"Condoms, my dear Harry. You'll be thanking me for these once Ronald and Hermione slip up and are left with a screeching baby. And," she said with a wink, "if you should find yourself alone with a handsome man with which you have unresolved sexual tension-" she paused to cough, although the cough sounded suspiciously like 'Draco', "-you will be protected from any diseases."

"OH SIR FERDINAND!"

"Are they okay in there?" Harry asked uneasily, "They sound like they are being murdered."

Luna snapped her fingers. "That's right, Harry! How negligent I've been! You know nothing about orgasms!"

"Organisms?" Harry was relieved. "I've heard of organisms before."

Luna shook her head, smacking his arm once again. "No, Harry! Orgasms!"

"Well, what are they?"

"Harry, you are aware with the sensation of when you catch the Snitch, that feeling of euphoria? It's like that in your Quidditch game with Ginny! Except it can happen throughout the game!"

"Wha-"

"Let us have a recap of what we've learned today!" Luna reached behind her couch again and pulled out a ukulele. She began sing a ballad.

" _Harry has a Pennsylvania, Ginny has a Virginia. You put the broom through the Qudditch hoop after you put on the protective bubble-"_

"Bubble?"

"Pay attention, Harry! It's a metaphor for a condom!- _and you will have an organismmmmmm!"_

It was at the very moment Luna finished her song that the closet door suddenly opened, and Sir Ferdinand and Lady Ferdinanda fell out.

"Well Harry," Luna began, picking up her ukelele, seeming oblivious to the... _vocal_ cries, "You, Sir Ferdinand, and Lady Ferdinanda need to leave. Neville is coming over, and I'm going to be serenading him. Maybe I'll lose my Viginia." Luna winked, "Toodles!" She then promptly shoved Harry and the puppets out of her bedroom door and shut the door.

"Well then," Harry said, offended. He stormed away, "I suppose I'll have to finish learning about sex elsewhere!" He coughed slightly, and turned around. The puppets were lying on the floor, visibly exhausted and smoking. "You're going to destroy your lungs, you know," he told them sternly before Apparating away.

* * *

"No!" Screamed Hermione, scandalized, "Scott's being a jerk to Kourtney again! I can not believe him!" She called to Ron, who was preparing enchiladas in the kitchen for their dinner.

"What's he done now?"

Hermione made an expression of pure disgust. "He's yelling at her for wanting frozen yogurt! She's breastfeeding, for Merlin's sake!" She shouted at the TV in outrage.

Ron smirked. "Language, Hermione."

"Oh, be quiet, Ronald."

Suddenly, Harry Apparated in front of the TV, hands on his hips and lips pursed. "I need to know how to sex! I'm Harry Potter! I need to know to sex!"

"Harry!" Hermione was aghast.

"Oi, mate, get out of the way! We're trying Keeping Up With Up The Kardashians!" Ron shouted from the kitchen.

"Ron, sweetheart, we're trying to _keep_ up with the Kardashian family," she corrected him.

"I don't care! How do I sex?!" Harry demanded.

"You aren't using proper grammar, either," Hermione said disapprovingly. "But...how about you sit down and stop blocking the TV. I need to see this."

Harry awkwardly sat down on their sofa, watching as a man with douchebag beard yelled at a Strong Independent Woman. "Will you teach me how-"

"No, Harry, I will not teach you how to Dougie," she said, eyes fixed on the television. "Now shut up. I'm trying to watch this."

Ron emerged at some point, a hot potato on his plate, eyes equally fixed on the TV as he took his place beside Harry. He looked back and forth between the couple, disturbed by the hold this show seemed to hold on them. Finally, at the commercial break, they broke their gaze from the TV. "So...Luna gave you The Talk," Ron said, grinning.

"Um, yeah," he said, feeling awkward. "But I didn't gain much from it...I still have a few questions."

Both Ron and Hermione paled. "What did she tell you?" She demanded.

"Well, she told me the basics...and how sock puppets do sex. Then she sang a delightful song about Quidditch, and told me about protective bubbles, Pennsylvanias, and Virginias. Oh, and about organisms! But then she kicked me out because she was going to lose her Virginia to Neville. I just don't think I understand it entirely," Harry said.

Ron turned as red as his hair and Hermione shook her head and sighed, "Oh, honey."

"So I'm guessing I was correct in my ass-"

"That's another deal entirely," Ron cut him off.

Harry was genuinely interested. "Really? What is it?"

"Um...see, um...when two men with, erm, Pennsylvanias love each other very much..." Ron said awkwardly, trying to access the Hive Mind the couple possessed so Hermione would take over, "and they, uh, do the do."

"That's fascinating!" Harry exclaimed. "What if there was a situation involving two Viginias?"

Ron promptly fainted. Hermione, horrified, rushed to her boyfriend's side. She looked up at Harry. "Well, seeing as you don't have a Virginia, you don't need to worry about it."

"Have you and Ron done the sex, Hermione?"

Hermione's face went as red as Ron's hair. "That's none of your business, Harry," she said, a trace of hysteria in her voice.

"Have you seen his Pennsylvania?"

"Harry, really!"

"Has he seen your Virginia? You do have a Virginia, right?"

Hermione gripped the sofa for support, feeling rather faint herself. "Harry, get out of my home!" She yelled.

Harry, somewhat terrified by the look in her eyes, forced a smile. "Alright. I will. You aren't going to do the do once I step outside are you?"

"No," Hermione said, grabbing ahold of his arm and advancing to the door, "We're going to have a wholesome evening of watching Keeping Up With the Kardashians!" She shoved him out the door and slammed it in his face.

* * *

"Bloody hell," Ron said, staring an envelope as red as his hair that had just been dropped on their kitchen table. "Hermione, you should come see this."

Two days previous, Harry and Ginny had their wedding, and it had gone rather well. Judging by the red envelope, however, it appeared as though the wedding night had not gone as swimmingly.

"What do we do, Ron?" Hermione asked quietly.

"There's only one thing we can do," Ron said grimly, "Cover your ears." He then plucked the envelope up from the table and ripped it open, jamming his own hands to his ears. Despite this, Ginny's voice was loud and clear.

 **"NEVER BEFORE IN MY LIFE HAVE I BEEN MORE HUMILIATED THEN I WAS ON MY OWN WEDDING NIGHT! I THOUGHT I TOLD YOU TO EXPLAIN IT TO HIM! HERE HE IS, TELLING ME ABOUT SOCK PUPPETS AND QUIDDITCH AND ORGANISMS! HE ASKED ME WHERE HE COULD BUY A PROTECTIVE BUBBLE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HOTEL LOBBY! THAT ISN'T EVEN THE WORST OF IT! HE WANTED TO BRING ANOTHER PENNSYLVANIA INTO THE PICTURE! THEN HE BEGAN MAKING INQUIRIES ABOUT YOU TWO AND IF YOU DID THE DO BECAUSE APPARENTLY HERMIONE WOULDN'T TELL HIM! I HAD TO GIVE MY HUSBAND THE SEX TALK ON OUR WEDDING NIGHT! MY WEDDING NIGHT! THE NEXT TIME I ASK YOU TO COMPLETE A SIMPLE TASK, I WANT IT DONE PROPERLY OR ELSE. IF YOU STEP ONE MORE TOE OUT OF LINE I WILL BAT BOGEY HEX ALL FIVE OF YOU, INCLUDING YOU TWO, SIR FERDINAND AND LADY FERDIDNANDA!"** The letter burst into flame and turned into ash.

Ron bit into his toast and chewed thoughtfully. He swallowed. "So Hermione, do you wanna do the sex?"

Hermione grew red with annoyance and smacked her boyfriend lightly in the arm, "Oh for Merlin's sake, Ronald."

* * *

 **A/N: So this is the crackfic we came up with in the middle of the night whilst hanging out. We (being Enchiladas and nerdyninjaunicorn) actually wrote the majority of this from 12am to 3am and we weren't disappointed when we read it the next day. We hope you enjoyed our little baby crackfic as much as we enjoyed writing it. There are a lot of references to various musicals throughout so let us know if you noticed any. Reviews are appreciated.**


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